Mom Life - Trial and Error

The last year, really the last 2 years, has been a blurry cascade of tears, laughs, pumping, feeding, trying to sleep, working, chasing babies on all four (and then on twos), and more. But mostly I cannot believe I am where I am because the last couple years have been a blur of one memory fading into the next with the only constant being that "this too shall pass," whether I want it to or not.

As Grace turns one in a couple of weeks – it has me thinking about all the things I have learned so far, in my motherhood journey.

Babies and kids aren’t really the hard part – marriage is. After 5 years of marriage – I have someone else competing for my attention. I have to tell you – being a mommy to my sweet girls, it is so easy to give them all of my time and love and energy. I have to be intentional about remember that my husband is my #1. And of course, loving me looks different now that I am a mom. So, there are some growing pains there – learning to love each other well in a new season of life. It is a good and healthy and necessary challenge, but I definitely think it is the harder one.

Running out the door is a thing in the past. With or without kids there is no fast way to get everything together.

I can’t do it all – and that’s okay. It is true; I am a control freak. I have never been good at asking for help, because no one else is going to do it the way *I* would do it. And also, I just want to be self-sufficient. Well, along comes three kids, three and under, in 14 months, and suddenly you just physically cannot do it all anymore. I’ve always been a doer, it is very rare that I am just sitting around doing nothing. So, I have had to learn how to just “be” with my family. The laundry may be piling up, but the couple of hours of play I have with my girls after work and before bedtime is so precious. The laundry can wait. And before things truly get out of control, I’ve learned (and am still learning) to ask for help.

Never underestimate the power of mom-friends. No one “gets” what I’m going through quite like them.

Parenting involves some serious teamwork. I always referred to a husband and wife as being a “team” but never has that proven itself so important before now. I have a whole new respect for single parents after these past couple of years. I love that David and I have different “roles” with the girls that play into their routine. But we also tag- team a lot when it comes to the small stuff like diaper blow outs, or just getting the girls ready and out the door for the day. Watching my husband be a daddy and love on our girls warms my heart to no end. But, I am also thankful for the heart that God has grown in me for my single mom friends – being a mom is no joke.

Every child is different in so many ways.

Flexibility is the most important trait I learned that I needed. I didn’t realize how inflexible I could be until becoming a mom. And sheesh, there were some tough moments of frustration if my plan for the day got thrown off. I still feel that a regular routine/schedule for my girls has made parenting easier. But in hindsight, I wish I was more flexible on days where the routine got thrown off.

Every parent is different in so many ways.

Breatfeeding is hard. Especially when it doesn’t work out the way you had planned. Due to latching issues, I was never able to physically nurse Grace – what I had desired, planned, and researched the best methods for prior to her birth. A reminder, that some things in life just do not go as planned. So, for the last year, I have been exclusively pumping – time consuming, painful at times, time consuming (worth mentioning twice), counting ounces, trying to keep my supply steady, and creating a freezer stash (just in case my supply dwindled). I am quite proud of my accomplishment of keeping it up for a whole year, and will even be able to give her my extra stash beyond a year – but I am even more excited to stop and to have some of my time back; being able to quit carrying the heavy pump and supplies around with me 24/7; stop washing so many bottles and accessories; etc. As hard as this process has been, it has been time well spent – breastfeeding didn’t go in the way I had planned – but I was still able to do it (thankful for technology!).

It’s amazing how my definition of “sleeping through the night” has evolved. 4:30 am used to be the “middle of the night” – now, it is the start to my day.

Never underestimate the power of non-parent friends. No one can remind me that I am more than “just” a mom, quite like them.

God REALLY loves me. If God could ever give us a tiny glimpse at how much he loves us, I now know it's through our children. The endless love I feel for my girls is nothing I've felt before. It's unconditional. There's nothing they could do to make me love them more. There's nothing they could do to make me love them less. And that's exactly how God feels about me and you. There's nothing I could do to make God love me more. There's nothing I could do to make God love me less. I finally get it. And to think he loves my girls even more than I do? Wow.

It was all worth the wait. My path to being a mom certainly was not the path I would have chosen to parenthood. It's funny to think about how different our lives might look today had things gone according to our plan. But I truly believe that God never makes us wait without reason. More than anything, he allowed time to mold me into the person I am today. And I am grateful for that time. Was it painful in the midst of it all? Absolutely. If you are still on your journey, hold tight, and keep fighting. However your story ends, God is doing a good work in you.

I know it is such a cliché saying, but time truly does slowly creep up and fly by.

I am so blessed to be the momma of my girls, and can't wait to see what other things I learn through trial and error (because really that is what parenting is) over the next years.

A picture of my day:

The alarm goes off at 4:00am or the baby starts crying, whichever comes first. I need to feed the baby, put the baby back to bed, pump, take a shower, and get myself ready for the day before anyone else wakes up.

 

After that, I wake the husband up, and then I wake him again 10 minutes later.

 

I walk down the hallway, turn the light on in my girls’ room, let the dog out and start a pot of coffee. Come back to the girls’ room, remind my 3 year old to get up and go to the restroom, get my fussy one year old out of her crib, give her a glass of milk, and pull my 9 month old’s little, chubby thighs out of the slots in her crib that she managed to wiggle into in the last hour. After that it is a whirlwind of diaper changes, clothes, shoes, hair ties, and little bows.

How is it already 6:05am? Time to load up the car and sing “The Wheels on the Bus”, “ umpteen times while driving to daycare. Drop of the girls and head to work!

5:30pm now – time to leave one job and head to another – pick up the girls from daycare. Head home, singing “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” umpteen times. Get home, make dinner, give baths, read books, play for a bit, and then bedtime.

8:00pm - Girls are in bed. Now it is time to fold laundry, do the dishes, prep dinner for the next night, make lunches for the next day, tidy up the house, and pump one last time before bed.

10:00pm – In bed and praying that all my girls sleep through the night, so this momma can get some rest.

Sounds exhausting  doesn’t it? It is, some days. Thankfully, I have an incredible husband who helps me throughout the daily grinds!

But, I don’t think my schedule is the only thing that leaves me exhausted. I knew that our schedule was going to be crazy when we started a family – and I am okay with that.

But, lately, I have felt the weariness goes deeper. As a parent, you are daily stepping into a battle ground for your child.

You fight for their health.

You fight for their hearts.

You fight for their thoughts.

You fight for their purity.

….their behaviors.

…their influences.

…their addictions.

…their respect.

…their happiness.

…their education.

…their souls.

…their overall outcome as an adult.

I think as a parent, That’s more-so why you’re tired, that’s why you feel strained, and pulled and defeated, and overwhelmed and…unfulfilled, at times.

We are building the kingdom and raising souls, who will either take from society or give, and with the world the way it is, this is not an easy job.

God has given us little people to raise who have a plan and purpose, and it is our job to get them ready, we need to get them across the battle field, we need to shield the bullets, but also we need to teach them how to stand and fight too.

I think often times, we are weary because we are guarding a soul, and fighting for a cause.

Feel proud that God has entrusted you. It’s in you to fight and to raise your kids for good. When you get through the battle field you will be proud of the victories and the failures will seem minor.

Hang in there, don’t let exhaustion and pressure tell you you’re a failure.

There will be battles lost and battles won, but the victory is already won!

 

We can do it!

I never want to forget the details  of my story of becoming a mom and becoming a parent with my husband. So, here I am, typing it out – to always have as a journal keepsake.

 

The story isn't over –this is just the beginning… 

 

We had always discussed, even before getting married, that we wanted 3-4 kids. We wanted to wait at least 2 years before trying to have children so that we could enjoy our time just as husband and wife for awhile.

Those two years passed, and we began to have a desire to grow our family. In my always planning and organizing head, I figured it would take us, at the most, 6 months to get pregnant and we would then have a sweet, little bundle of joy of our own.

 

Those 6 months passed, and then another 6 months passed – each month filled with disappointment with not being pregnant yet. Eventually 3 years had passed and we still did not have a baby.

Those three years were filled with two miscarriages, and tests for both myself and David, and no one could figure out why we couldn’t get pregnant and maintain pregnancy – making the situation even more frustrating.

In the midst of this, I continued to pray and seek the face of God knowing his timing is perfect, but having a hard time accepting that fact. There were times when I was angry with God because everyone else around me was having babies – they had what I wanted. Yet, I stood faithful – in the depths of me, I knew that God had a reason – I just wish I knew what it had been at that time.

 

Towards the end of 2012 – David and I began to explore the possibility of growing our family through adoption. The cost of adoption was very expensive, and certainly not in our budget. So, we considered pursuing foster care with the possibility of adoption. While in our training courses, they told us the average age of children in the foster care system is 8 years old. Well, I wasn’t very comfortable with the idea of having an 8 year old in my home to parent, when I had never even successfully parented a baby. So, I requested the age of children placed in our home to be between 0 – 3 years of age. We were told that this age doesn’t come into the system very often and that we should increase our range to eight if we want children in our home; so, we did, willing to help whatever child came our way.

We prepared our home, finished our training and received our foster care state license in February 2013.

 

In March of 2013, while at work, I received a call that there was a need for a home for an 18 month old baby girl. I was ecstatic- this is it – this is what I have been praying for –I’m going to be a mom!

When she was taken into custody, we also knew that the birth mom was pregnant and that baby girl was going to be born in just a few short months and need a home.

0- 3 years of age doesn’t happen very often – less than a month after we received our license? I think God had other plans…

In August of 2013 we went to our local hospital and picked up this sweet, tiny 5lb baby girl. It was interesting walking into the hospital, not even pregnant, and then walking out with a newborn baby.

In the midst of trying to rearrange my life to make sure I met the needs of these two sweet girls, I found myself completely exhausted. I chalked it up to new routines and the sleeping habits of a newborn baby.

But then, certain smells started making me feel nauseous and my husband convinced me to take a pregnancy test. 

 Positive.

So many thoughts were running through my head, one of which was "I just brought a baby home from the hospital two weeks ago – there is no way, after 4 years of trying – that I am pregnant right now."

Thankfully, I had a very easy pregnancy with no sickness, limited nauseousness, and after the 1^st trimester exhaustion – I felt great! It made it a lot easier to keep up with two girls at home.

In February 2014, we learned that our girls were available to adopt. We jumped on the opportunity to give them a forever home and began to complete the adoption process filled with interviews and home studies and lots and lots of waiting.

In May of 2014, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl and I became a mom of 3 girls under the age of 3 – two of those girls being less than 10 months apart. Crazy? Maybe. But I love every moment of it.

In early October of 2014, we learned that our family was chosen to be the adoptive home option for the girls. Right now, we are within a month of signing the paperwork to make our foster daughters officially ours.  

God certainly has a sense of humor- our family went from 0 kids to 3 kids in 14 months.

I often times get asked how I do it all and I often tell people that I have no clue how I do it all. But, at the end of the day, my children are happy and healthy and I have a husband that loves all of us unconditionally, and that’s a win in my book. There’s no magic to parenting small children. It’s all about routines and balance and whole lot of letting go of perfection (this is a whole other topic I have had to learn!).

Now that I reflect back on the struggles and the steps that God brought me through to make me a mom - I am reassured that his timing is truly, always perfect. If I got pregnant when "I"wanted to get pregnant - I would have never considered foster care and I would never have known the joy that these two princesses bring to our home. God knew these two girls needed a loving, forever home and that’s why I believe we didn’t get pregnant until they were both with us.

Learning to have Faith and learning to truly Rest and Reflect in the loving arms of God’s Grace is not always easy when life doesn’t go the way we planned, but it is always worth it.  

The fight of Mary vs Martha

I had a co-worker ask me yesterday, “How do you balance it all – isn’t it tough being a full-time working mom, a wife, and a mom to 3 under the age of 3?” Yes, Yes it is – but totally worth it!

I think a lot of times moms get asked this because there is a need for balance everywhere.

My thoughts immediately go to two women in Luke. Mary and Martha. Women have been wrestling with the Mary/Martha syndrome since the time of Jesus. As a young mom, often times my internal “good Christian woman” measuring tool is Martha-like. The woman who did everything:

·         A  helpmate to her husband

·         A creative, patient and nurturing mother

·         An organized, creative, particular homemaker

·         An involved, busy, gracious leader at church

·         Etc.

^“But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’” (Luke 10:40)

As much as I enjoy being a “Martha”  [I love the feeling of checking things off of my to do list!] -  it also can leave me tired and feeling inadequate when I can’t get everything done. Often times, I long to be like Mary, sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to what He said. 

In my short journey of parenting, so far, I am learning that you can’t be a Martha and a Mary at the same time. Attempting to do so creates anxiety and struggle from expectations we put on ourselves and those we let others put on us. Every voice around us says, “You can do it all. You should do it all.”

Jesus says, “Daughter, dear Daughter, you’re fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it’s the main course, and won’t be taken from her.” (The Message, paraphrase from Luke 10:41-42)

I am sure that I am not the only mama that gets worked up over things that aren’t eternal. Only one thing is essential, sitting and listening to the Father. The voice whose power created the entire universe – that is the voice who wants to speak into our hearts and renew us.

I am learning that balancing motherhood and being a good wife lies in spending time with Jesus first. It takes priority over everything else. Balance does not come in serving more at church or in attending more bible studies. Busyness in good things is not a substitute for God’s best.God’s best lies in worship, adoration, and rest in Him when we spend time at His feet – in prayer and in the word.

The world’s expectations – even in Christian circles – say when we are busy doing good things, then we’re a good woman, mom and wife. Jesus simply wants us to spend time with him.

I am learning that balancing my life rests in priorities. Making time with Jesus balances all other activities and attitudes of my heart.

When I’m stressed by the demands of life and don’t make time to be with my Comforter, I feel out of balance, pulled in all directions, out of whack!

But spending a few minutes alone, Mary-like, listening to the Father, allows me to engage in busy activities with a peaceful spirit and gracious attitude. I can handle more when I spend time at His feet. Some days, I get a chance to have a few, quiet minutes alone – typically this occurs, if I am awake enough, at my 2:00am pumping session each morning. Other days, a quiet moment cannot be found anywhere with an inquisitive toddler, a teething baby, and a colicky newborn.

I am learning that mothering is hard.Having the assistance of the Holy Spirit makes it easier. Busyness is not the answer. Prioritizing time is .

If I were to die today, I don’t want my kids to remember a mom who is stressed because the dishes need to be cleaned or the laundry needs to be folded, but to have a mom who reflects the peace of Christ.

During my quiet time today while holding Grace in my arms and thinking of my other two sweet girls who were at daycare, I began to think about how much I love these girls and I love being a mom. 

Yes, there are rough days when it seems we have a crying fest in our house or an ornery 2 year old who doesn't want to listen but somehow I forget those moments and roll with it. 

I feel like infertility is all around us and it’s made me incredibly grateful for every aspect of motherhood. It’s something that can be easily taken for granted. My journey to motherhood is never what I had expected or planned, but obviously God's plans our greater then mine. 

Today, I am praying for all the moms out there (including me) that you’d see reminders of blessings in the face of your children, even on the toughest days.

And for all those gals who’d give anything for one of those tough days (I've been there - I understand), I’m praying God blesses you with the kids your desire and that he send opportunities to pour that love out on kids who need it while you wait.

The older I get, the more I am learning to embrace silence. Especially before we had kids in our home, I would often have music or the television on for background noise and the radio or my iTunes playlist were always playing in my car. 

It is interesting to find how my life and my daily routines have changed over the last year. With a 5 week old and an almost 2 year old, one cannot do anything "in a hurry." Before leaving home diaper bags have to be packed, diapers need changed, shoes need to be put on (for the 3rd time), then there is the loading and unloading the car. 

Today, on my way to work, I had to slow down to drive through a school zone. My first thought was to figure out a different route for next time to avoid having to slow down. 

And then I began to think, how often times am I in such a hurry to make sure everything is "perfect" that I miss the enjoyment of the people and special moments in my life. 

A few months ago, I would have hated the thought of having to slow down my routines. But now, I am learning to embrace the slower pace. 

Before, silence caused me to feel anxious, but now, I am finding peace in the midst of quietness. 

For everything there is a season...

“Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength (Isaiah 30:15)

We have now been involved in the foster care system and being a foster home for our first placement for nearly 4 months. When we got married and “planned” our life – this is never what I would have thought it to look at. In fact, I changed my major in college from education to business because I couldn’t handle dealing with other people’s children. It’s funny the way God changes our hearts and outlook.

Here are some things that I have learned in the last four months.

I have learned grace and mercy. It is easy to think of birth parents as monsters, because then YOU could never be like THEM, but truly, birth parents are just people with big problems. Nobody chooses to be born mentally ill. No one gets addicted to drugs on purpose. Nobody choose to be born developmentally delayed, to never have lived in a stable family, so you don’t know how to replicate it. A year ago, I would have found myself to be judgmental of people who put their children in harm’s way, but now, I find myself praying for them; praying that they surround themselves with people who can help them make good and healthy decisions. Everybody has a unique story; we all make mistakes.

I am learning to accept flexibility, unpredictability and knowing that everything is subject to change. I am a person who likes my schedule and likes things done on time and when they are planned. When dealing with foster care, in even the measly four months we have done this, I have learned quickly that your family has to be flexible. A 1:30 court hearing means that you arrive at 1:30 and will sit and wait for 3 hours until finally being seen for 10 minutes. It means moving your schedule around so that you can pick up and drop off a child at a parent visit. It means playing phone tag with people to get your questions answered. It means putting a pause on cooking because the only time a caseworker can make it to your home is in the middle of dinner.  I have learned, though,that with unpredictability comes the opportunity to be more than you are, to rise to the occasion on behalf of someone in need.

I have continued to learn how amazing David is as a husband and as a father. He is always willing to help out with dinner, clean the house, get up early to drop off at daycare, dance with a little princess, play with baby dolls, and even change the dirty diapers. One thing he is really good at it is forcing me to slow down when I am running 100 miles an hour trying to “get everything done” – typically against my will, but needed and appreciated.

I am learning to see things in the eye of a child. There is so much excitement and happiness over the smallest things – a lady bug on the ground, a dog playing outside, bubbles in the bathtub, music playing. As adults, I think we get so bombarded with all of our work and responsibility that we lose sight of the simplicities in life – having a toddler in your home helps with that.

I have learned to trust that God’s plans are always better than mine. I often worry if the little princess in our home is being advocated for well enough, in even the few short months she has been with us, I want only the best for her.  Then I remember that the God that knew about this little princess long before she was even born has her best interest in mind. Whatever happens, whenever it happens – He is watching over her and her life’s plans have already been ordained – she is being advocated for by the God of the universe!

It has only been four months since we have become a foster home and so much has already changed. I am learning more about my strengths and areas of weakness; and learning to use those to make my home a safe and loving haven for my husband and the children that come through our doors.

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” – MaryEngelbreit